When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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