Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
