Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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