No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
