Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
