Only a mothe r could love this liver
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We had to coat check the pizza.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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