They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
