My underwear smells like fireworks.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
