If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
