Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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