You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
