Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
