did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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