Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
