my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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