11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
