I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
