You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
