woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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