He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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