your parents love me but you hate me
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
