my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have aggressive nipples.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
