I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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