New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
