Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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