btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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