No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
