my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
