Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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