I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
