now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
