I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
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Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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