well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
