he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick