Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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