I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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