yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
