Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
