why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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