Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
