I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
