She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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