i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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