Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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