Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
there is glitter all over my balls
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