in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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