o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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