why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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