listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
