Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
