A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
