Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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