The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
