rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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