DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
