Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
